#DailyWritingChallenge theme today is Honesty and Monday is Guilt to I will be writing about both I think in this blog.
Quite honestly right now I am feeling like a terrible daughter. My dad has cancer (although he didn’t tell me that his wife did) that is confined to the inside of his bladder. Treatments have not been successful so every 3 or 4 months he drives 3 hours to Calgary for a procedure. He stays with me. I have a 2 bedroom condo but not 2 beds. I have a cot. For the first few times he came I gave up my bed and slept on the cot. The last time and this time he gets the cot. I drive him and pick him up from the hospital. His wife does not come as she does not like driving in Calgary. He or the hospital staff call his wife who then relays the messages to me.
I live alone. For the majority of my adult life I have lived alone. I travel alone. My default work position is to do work by myself. It is a challenge for me to collaborate but I do understand the benefits. I like my alone time and I get resentful when it is taken away. I feel resentful every time my dad needs to stay with me. I think (and I have asked him) “why is his wife not coming?” My mom died several years ago and there is no way she would have let my dad come on his own. My dad is in Calgary more often than he lets on and doesn’t reach out to me these other times – only when he needs to stay. I get angry , resentful and then I get guilty.
I am filled with guilt when I get resentful. My dad is a very traditional dad. He worked and supported his family. He paid for my first degree. When I was just starting out he helped me a little financially. I know if I needed his help again he would. I would never ask – but I know he would help.
I am a terrible daughter – that is what I am honestly feeling right now. Later today his wife will call and update me on my dad. I will be angry in my head but I won’t tell her that. Tomorrow – first day of spring break for me I will have to go and collect him from the hospital. I am tired and have, like all of my colleagues, been managing the cancellation of classes. My dad appears oblivious to this.
Does this blog sound angry? Yeah I know it does. I am angry because I have never really expressed any of this to the person it is about. One of the consequences of being me is I don’t always let people know when I am hurting. When I don’t let people know what I am thinking and feeling it bottles up and I grow resentful really fast.
Honesty and Guilt – gadzooks. Great topics.
Thanks for reading!