A Deep Well of Will

I am not entirely certain the direction this blog will take. I have been crafting it in my head for several days, first coming up with the title and believing myself to be quite clever! I think this blog will touch on self-care, workload, impostor syndrome but we shall see.

A colleague recently said to me that we buy into our own reputations, often created on the perceptions of others. She said this to me after a particularly trying week at work and it echoed way back in time for me when another colleague said that “Lisa is the strongest person I know”. This is not to say that I am not strong but I am entirely human and totally fallible. Except that I bought into the myth that I was more than others, not susceptible to the same stresses and strains.

Over the last 2 years I have also learned about impostor syndrome through #WomenEd. For me this characterized itself into working hard, and long hours, soaking up the admiration when I was first to arrive and last to leave. I do have a particular intuition and readiness so also always seem to be present when trouble arises so I am available to assist where I can. I have garnered a reputation for being dependable and supportive and capable in a crisis. I am not sure I always believed I had any more skill than anyone else, but certainly believed if I worked hard this would be recognized and even perhaps rewarded. I have also bought into the notion that if I stop working hard, everything will be taken away.

Of course it doesn’t help that my favorite word and quality is perseverance and that I entirely admire this characteristic in others and really don’t like giving up,giving in or giving over. I stick to something long after others have surrendered often to my own personal detriment. I am terrible at self-care. Sure I once took to running to impress a girl and I was able to sustain some regiment of exercise but more often than not and certainly these days I deny myself activities that would nourish and flourish my own well-being. But work? Let me at it. Of course our bodies and souls have ways of letting us know that we must pause. And my body and soul are doing just that.

There never seems to be a time at work that is better than another to take time to stop. Right now it is timetable season, graduation and soon final marks. Staffing (or “unstaffing” as the current budget dictates)is ongoing. I am very aware that I am digging deep into my well of will. In a couple of weeks I have planned for a couple of days off as I must use my personal days before June. I find myself using those 2 days as the carrot (ok, ok the chocolate) and willing myself forward. I know that spending even a bit of time with friends is uplifting so I have done some of that this weekend. I know that connecting through writing also helps so hence this blog.

I am indeed very human. I am on a path where I fully accept that I am worthy of what I have worked for and earned. I have natural skills and skills that I have honed and developed over time. I am not an impostor. It is ok to be tired and to “tap out” if I need to. I am not weak for admitting my vulnerability and fallibility.

And neither are you.

Thanks for reading!

Lisa H.